*Warning: You might not want to hear what you’re about to read*
We all have the bad habit of thinking that, in a straight wedding, the bride is the only protagonist. In my career I have met with many couples and after discussing every detail of the wedding with the bride, the only information I have from the groom is his name. The bride is the protagonist of the wedding not because the groom is not important, but rather because it has been arranged, in an unwritten way, that the bride is the one who deals with the details of the organization of a wedding.
On the contrary, I also often find myself with boyfriends who are “taking charge” of their wedding day and demanding more responsibility for the organization of the celebration. Also a serious error. No one person should be “the boss” of their wedding day. Neither the bride nor the groom. A wedding celebration is a wonderful event and one of the most important days for both people involved. When couples struggle with sharing the responsibility of planning their wedding it puts a lot of unnecessary stress on the relationship.
It can start out as small disagreements- a bride insisting on a certain type of music that the groom doesn’t like or the groom demanding different food for the wedding. I understand that there will be disagreements between couples, this is normal when organizing a large event; however, more often that not, with couples who are unable to compromise, I end up acting as an intermediary between them.
I have been lucky enough to work in over 600 wedding celebrations and in more than 90% of cases, one person is taking care of almost the entire wedding organization and the other is limited to choosing the entrance song or the music played at the after party.
Yes, it’s true that it is much more comfortable for one person to delegate responsibilities to the other. Especially for the delegate. In these situations the person who is in charge of the majority of the wedding organization no longer has the pressure of having to constantly defend their vision of the wedding because the tasks have been delegated. It’s okay. This can work. And in fact it does work in many cases. The wedding is gorgeous although it is the dream wedding for one of the partners, not the other.
Now, here is my proposal: work together, choose together, and decide together. Yes, it’s true, you’re going to argue. Possibly a lot. The more passionate you are, the more important this day is for both of you. The more convinced you are of what you want, the less likely you are to change your mind or negotiate different aspects of your wedding day.
So what’s the problem? Whenever I meet with a couple, I ask them how their wedding organization is going. Whenever they answer, “great, without any stress, everything is controlled”, I get scared. Everything has an explanation but it is normal to come across issues or have disagreements about planning a wedding together. If there are no issues that is wonderful, but it is possible that one of the two people are not getting what they want. Couples are free to choose not to say anything when they feel upset in order to avoid arguments over wedding issues. The idea is that not every disagreement needs to turn into an argument.
If one person plans almost everything will the wedding be ok? Yes. The guests will come and they will eat, drink, participate and dance.
I am writing to convey what I have learned in the past 15 years working in the wedding sector, after meeting with a large number of couples of all profiles, attending hundreds of weddings and organizing two of my own weddings, one of them a destination wedding more than 10,000 kms away. The love I feel for this sector is what has driven me to develop Spain4weddings.com to help foreign couples get married in Spain while promoting the services of excellent local professionals abroad.
I ask you to remember that you, as a couple, should have the final say in your wedding celebration. Wedding professionals must understand that and be flexible to fit what you are looking for. It’s your wedding. It is your day. You decide together what you want because you will be the ones living with these memories for the rest of your life. Work together, share your thoughts and make the wedding planning experience as stress free as possible.
I advise you to be equally involved in the organization of your wedding. I understand that each of you has a lot of work to do outside of the wedding. You want to have more time to practice sports, more time to dedicate to your family members, to your children, to your job, and more time to go out with your friends. I am aware of all this.
The bottom line is you get married because you’re in love, (I hope :)) If you do not want to put effort into planning your wedding for yourself, do it for your partner.
Instead of only listening to your partners complaints about not sharing the workload of planning the wedding, why not divide the work, or better yet, why not work together?
Maybe you are not a good designer, or decorator, or whatever the case may be, but we all have our own talents. Use each of your unique strengths and combine them to help create the wedding of your dreams. You will see the benefit of two minds working together as you come up with ideas that were not contemplated at first. Those new ideas, and the shared workload will encourage your partner to enjoy the wedding planning process.
Not only will you both come up with new ideas by working together buy you will build collaboration skills that will ultimately help you in married life. When working together problems seem less overwhelming and the stress is shared between both partners. What was going to be A wedding will slowly become YOUR wedding.
Your guests, relatives and friends will remember the details of your wedding months and even years later. Why? Because it was made with love and collaboration.
That idea that you had to put that decoration in a different area, that breakthrough that occurred to you a couple of weeks before the wedding to have that entertainment during the aperitif … It seems that all weddings should be like this: a collaborative effort of planning and organizing to create the perfect day. For your wedding to be YOUR WEDDING you both have to put in work.
I urge you to call your partner when you have a new idea and explain it. Whatever it is. You will see his or her reaction. And if this suggested change implies that you argue … you argue. If you are not able to handle a discussion about the organization of a wedding, to ensure that each one contributes his or her vision, how will your relationship be as the years go by? With children? With high tensions or work changes? With a mortgage? With a move? With the many decisions that you will have to face in the coming years?
Disagreements are normal in a relationship, it is how we handle the disagreements as a couple that matters. So, relax and get down to work together so that YOUR day will be unforgettable.
From Spain with Love,
CEO & Founder